Learning To Deal With Loss & Grief

Today I felt that I should talk about loss and grief and how it impacts on our life. Nearly everyone I know has either had to deal with loss and grief in the past, is currently dealing with it, or knows someone who has had experienced it first hand. Unfortunately what happens with loss and grief is that it sets off a ‘domino effect’ and you experience grief in other components of your life. This is my story.

The four year anniversary of the passing of one of my closest friends is this week and I still deal with her death on a regular basis. Some days are easier than others and some days I just don’t want to face the day as I know she won’t be there with me. The hardest thing about Jane’s passing was the fact that it was so sudden. She left a note on my desk at work just the afternoon before saying “See you tomorrow, Love Jane”. I came into work that Friday morning to discover that note and the fact that she will never sit behind me ever again. I was distraught to say the least. She was my only friend in a brand new town that I moved to and she immediately took me under her wing. She just had that kind of loving soul.

Being in a town with no family or friends I seriously struggled to deal with Jane’s passing. I literally had a total of ten hours sleep the first week as I was waiting for my phone to receive a call or message from Jane. It wasn’t until I went to her funeral and saw all her loved ones gathering inside and outside the chapel to celebrate her life that it hit me that she was gone. Seeing so many of our students dressed in their school uniforms but with tears streaming down their face is what broke me. Jane’s mum and husband delivered a eulogy that made my world come crashing down. She was really gone and I didn’t know how I was going to go on without her.

The reason I wanted to tell you my story about Jane is because I think a lot of the time people are made to feel ashamed about their grief. They are forced to move on much quicker than they can handle which can cause many more problems down the road. I didn’t deal with Jane’s passing very well as I didn’t have the resources or supportive network to help me. This then led to me falling into a very deep depression which then led to substance abuse. I am lucky that I know have an extremely supportive network and I am able to work through most challenging situations. However I have had four people pass away in my life since Jane, one of them being another friend, and it brings back so many raw emotions. So what is actually happening when you are grieving?

There are 5 stages of grief that someone will usually go through when they lose a loved one or experience loss in other situations such as losing a job or being demoted, ending a relationship or a loss of their health. These stages don’t necessarily have to happen in order, nor does someone have to experience every single one of them.

DENIAL
When you lose a loved one, a lot of people put on a mask and hide behind it instead of facing reality. You can be in complete denial of the situation which makes the grieving process so much harder. I was in denial about Jane until I went to her funeral. I refused to believe that she was gone and instead imagined that she took the week off work to move into her brand new house. The night of her funeral was the first night that I slept all the way through.

ANGER
Anger can be a very intense emotion that may come on as a first stage. What we don’t realise is that being angry is perfectly normal. We just have to recognise how we deal with our anger so we don’t cause harm to ourselves or others. I was incredibly angry at the entire situation. I lashed out at loved ones and I even got angry at Jane herself for the accident. One of the best things I did for my anger was I wrote letters to Jane. I set myself up on a secluded beach and wrote to her about everything. I didn’t hold back and the anger just flowed. This helped to calm me down, especially when I would release the letter into the ocean.

BARGAINING
This was a very interesting stage for me. The bargaining stage is when we try to make a deal with God or a higher power. We have lost control, so this is our way of trying to regain some power. It is very much linked with the denial stage. I made many deals with God to bring Jane back to her husband and family. Obviously this deal couldn’t be made and I therefore lost my faith in Him. Four years later I am still struggling to make peace with God.

DEPRESSION
This is the stage that hit me the hardest. I was diagnosed with severe depression after a relationship break up, six months after Jane’s passing. I often would stay in bed and it would take a great deal of effort to face a day. I couldn’t focus on simple tasks let alone my career. I had trouble breathing as I would often hold my breath without realising it. I felt like no one understood what I was going through and I missed Jane terribly. I cried on a daily basis and just felt pretty awful about myself. So awful that I started to develop feelings of not wanting to be alive anymore. I was lucky to have a dear friend who took me into her home for two weeks on suicide watch and sought professional help for me. I thought I was just having a sad time and had no idea how severe my depression was. I felt like it was going to last forever and that I deserved to feel like this.

ACCEPTANCE
The final stage of dealing with grief is acceptance. It took me nearly two years to accept Jane’s passing. I fought depression like a champion and stabilised my condition within 18 months of my diagnosis. Accepting your loss doesn’t mean that you have moved on, but rather moved forward. You don’t have to be okay with it, because seriously how can you ever be? You just understand that your loved one is no longer here and you move forward in your life adapting to those changes. Some people unfortunately may never get to this stage as they are stuck at previous stages. I hope everyone is able to seek acceptance.

Just remember that this is your own journey and there is no time limit on how quickly you move though it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, regardless of whether they have dealt with grief as well. Everyone deals with grief and loss differently and that’s perfectly okay. Just surround yourself with loved ones who will support you. Have a chat to your GP or other service providers such as Beyond Blue if you are having some trouble dealing with grief. They will be able to help create an appropriate health plan for you and give you loads of resources. I am sorry for such a heavy subject but this is something that I have battled with for many years. I want to talk about topics that people shy away from so that we can hopefully support each other through some really tough times. Bless you all.